Humor

Humor about live in Japan, you gotta have a great sense of humor to live here for any length of time.

Humor About Life in Japan: Musings on Japanese Mornings

Comedy by Kevin Burns

Humor about Japan and uhm....gas

Gas is one of my favourite topics. I`m rather immature.I`m not talking about Tokyo Gas but gas of the human kind.Japan like Canada is full of gas that is why I have dubbed her: "The Land of the Rising Gas"

"Remember, whatever doesn`t kill you, hurts;.....a lot!"

--Kevin Burns(whoever the heck he is?)

Humor about our Students

I worry about my students sometimes, I mean....What if Mom was right!!...

What if my students REALLY are Zombies!?

Humor on Driving in Japan

Driving in any country foreign to your own is a challenge and driving in Japan is different from "home." Read our helpful driving guide so you too can drive just like a Japanese kamikaze! Driving in Japan, what your father never taught you!

For more Comedy, check out Fun Film Talk's Comedy Genre page

Here at Fun Film Talk we adore all things film, whether that means enjoying movies, analyzing movies and the folks who make them, or making movies ourselves with fantastic new digital equipment. We also love comedy, so we've put this page together for folks who love to laugh. Welcome to our Comedy Genre Page!
http://www.fun-film-talk.com

Humor about Shopping in Japan

I enjoy shopping at toy stores and hobby shops. But sometimes the store clerks take a strange interest in me....so I figure,why don`t I join them! And you can too with this easy tofollow advice! You can be the Store Detective!

Comedy about life in Japan

With no mouth, how does Hello Kitty scream?

These are the questions that plague me at night in my futon now. But this is part of the charm of Japan and it has grown on me.

I came to Japan at 26 years old with a plan to stay for one year. I never left.

As well as giving me many bumps on the head from the low doorways here, Japan has given me my wife, my three children, a great life and my home.

Who cares if my IQ is slightly lower from head bangs!

This really is true:

I get up in the morning and nature calls me. I walk to the bathroom and step into the toilet slippers that state:

"balls comfort" on them. If I feel the urge, I ah...mmmhm...wipe my butt with "Naive Lady," toilet paper.

I look down for some reason and see that my gonch (that`sunderwear for the non-Canadians) says:

"a Violent Lover," all over them.

Seriously I couldn`t make this up!

Is my wife trying to tell me something by buying gonch that states that in bold, blue letters?

Don`t answer that! Maybe that`s why we have never had a fourth kid!

I wash my hands and face and dry myself off with a towel that says: "Aquascutum."

That really disturbs me....

Then my Japanese wife serves breakfast and here is another Japanese-English shock as for breakfast we get to eat this:

Cold fish heads staring up from cold rise and miso soup whichis made from fermented soy beans (fermented is another way ofsaying almost rotten).

At least she doesn`t serve me Cowpiss Soda,

Sorry that was a typo, Calpiss Soda. Or God forbid!!!

I don`t want any Pocari Sweat to drink!!!!!

No!!!!!!!!!!

Give me my straitjacket now!!!!!!!!!!

See our videos about life in Japan

You`ve been in Japan too long when.....

Japan in Springtime Means....

by Kevin Burns

You know it is Spring in Japan when your eyes glaze over as you stare at yet another cherry blossom.

Miss Suzuki your gorgeous office lady colleague confesses in a drunken slur how handsome you are, "Mister Kevin."

Too bad your wife is sitting next to you at the time and there'll be no "hubba hubba" for weeks!

Japanese salarymen can be seen so fall-down drunk they break their reading grasses (sorry for that one, I've been here too long!).

Your Japanese friends proudly tell you: "I rike Japan because it have four season."

You remind them that Spring only lasts for two weeks now, and then becomes one long hot summer; interrupted briefly by a rude scene from Noah's ark called "Tsuyu," or the rainy season.

They politely change the subject, "Which you like bettah Mr. Kevin, cherry brossom viewing or prum brossom viewing?"

It's always a tough decision for me and I am usually on the fence about it. Both "brossoms" have their good points, I tend to like my brossoms way up high, and if I have been imbibing shochu all day, it makes the answer all the more difficult.

Shochu and Sake are great! They`re an alcoholic beverage anda jet fuel! I know because I go like a jet all the next day!

In the Spring, the approaching Cherry Blossom Front, takes precedence over all other breaking news, including which actress is having an affair with which loser from abroad.

Sales of orange hair dye go way down, as college grads start their new jobs. The prime minister worries that the economy will implode if more people don't colour their hair. The nationally minded senior citizens respond in droves, and there's a run on blue hair dye.

The prime minister gives a thank you speech. Japan is saved!

Like the bosozoku, the cockroaches emerge from their holes, and they are faster now. They will have none of that slow winter blood in them, they speed up with the heat. Newbie foreigners' initial disgust at Japanese cockroaches, turns to "Friday the 13th" like horror when they realize, "Those buggers fly!"

In panic they run to their friend's houses screaming incoherently, "internet access now!" Once online they log onto the FBC homepage and order industrial strength Raid, hoping that will do in, these dreaded black bugs.

But roaches are the only ones who will survive a nuclear attack, and deep down we all know they will survive you too.

"The horror...the horror."

"I love the smell of Raid in the morning. It makes me think of ........ Japan!"

With the springtime warmth the skirts of high school girls take a hike. They cannot go up stairs without covering their derrieres with their handbags. The few salarymen able to break the under 20 age curfew and enter Shibuya risk serious injury, as they crane their necks trying to look up the stairs.

Or should I say, stares? Broken bones and grasses are rampant. (There I go again, been here too long as I mentioned before).

Legal stuff:

Boy is our lawyer strange! Aren`t all lawyers?

This is what he wanted us to write to copyright our material here and at the Yahoo groups, to cover our journalistic butts:

The opinions expressed in How to Teach English in Japan are not necessarily those of the the publisher. But they could be, you will never know, now will ya?

Na Na Na Na Na!

We're not gonna tell you which are ours!

You gotta guess for yourself!

Any advice or information found here shall be used at your own risk, even the really stupid advice.

"Boy some of it is stupid, don't ya think?"

"Yah you're right, why do we write that crap?"

"Because we are just amateurs I think. A Hemmingway or a George Carlin wouldn`t write like that.!"

"I agree with the Hemmingway, part, for one the guy is dead, isn`t he, he can`t write, nor drink anymore."

How to Teach English in Japan hereafter called, "the rag," will not be held responsible for any advice or information found at our website. So there!

In French: (I`m Canadian eh and have to cope with the bilinguallanguage laws of Canuckland).

Je suis un Canuck plus tard. Mais j`aime le pizza grande etmon fils eh.

Caution:

Words in this article are closer to your face than they appear. Please don`t bash your face against the monitor trying to read them! The rag, will not be held responsible for injuries incurred while reading this article. Don`t fall off your chair. Use caution when reading at your computer!

Don`t cruise the internet drunk!

Just say no to spilling beer on your keyboard!

If you wanna buy any of our mangy products click on a linkbelow eh, even we gotta eat....I`m tired of cup ramen. So click on something and feed me.

JT: Japan Tobacco Says it's Diversifying

"Before we just killed 'em! But now we try to cure 'em too."--Yoshi Shindamoto, President of JT

Tokyo:JL

Deep in the bowels of Japan's capital city, Japan Toebacco or JT, plans its' next strategic moves.

Hiroshi Nakunata, JT Marketing Chief, spends his days at the head office deciding on future products and forming the strategies that will bring success to JT:

"We decided in June that killing our customers didn't make good business sense. Now we merely try to make them sick. Then with our recent tie up with U.S. biotech companies, we hope to cure them too. We plan on making as many Japanese ill as possible. This will generate millions of yen in tobacco sales. After this, we will attempt to cure them with our lung cancer vaccines, mu ha ha ha ha! We won the worldo so sorry!"

Many tobacco giants the world over have praised JT's vision as one for the 21st century.

"Anyone can kill them, but to cure them too, wow that's a marketing loop! Of course there is no danger in smoking cigarettes though, I didn't mean to imply that. End of interview. No comment."

--Tom Marlborough, of Kraven eh! The Canadian Toebacco Company

Okama Bin Laden the transvestite terrorist, in a rare interview, praised JT as being more successful at killing the masses than he was. In one year alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related diseases.1

"That's more than I've ever been able to mastermind. Do you like my dress? I'm not treated well here in Afghanistan, being dressed like a woman, but what can you do when you shave your legs and speak with this voice?"

Indeed JT's record is astounding! Many of its' customers have died or become ill.

"We are proud of our success,but we cannot sit on our raurels, is that how you plonounce dat word? Anway, we cannot shit around, we must continue progress towards the future. Killing is how you say? Become passe, we must cure our customers. We are a nicer, gentler JT now."-

-Biyoki Suzuki, Head of Sales at JT

With many of JT's customers now dead or dying, and sales going down, the move into curing customers was felt to be necessary according to press reports.

"We are so happy to have exclusive rights to lung cancervaccines in Japan, Taiwan and South Korea. No one can make or sell them here without our approval.2

No it isn't a conflict of interest to make products which kill people and others that cure them.

It does make good dinner conversation and smacks of a 'Simpson's,' episode though."

--Gun Hayakuatta, a JT staffer

God help us!

1. One study found that in 1995 alone, over 500,000 Japanese died of tobacco related illnesses.

2. This, according to a report in The Japan Times in November, 2001.

If anyone asks: "So why did you come to Japan?"

Have fun with them and tell them something like this:

I Love People Smoking Next to Me

by Kevin Burns

Tokyo:

God I love people smoking next to me! Japan is a great country for a guy like me. I love the smell on myclothes and my hair. I don't smoke myself, I don't need to. I get enough when I go to any movie theatre lobby, restaurant or coffee shop here. It's a great place for smoke inhalation.

I may become a fireman because of this Land of the Rising Smoke. I miss the Marlborough man--he died of lung cancer long ago; too bad. His young virile image is here though--on many billboards and blasting from Sony TV's throughout the land. Don't tell anyone he died of lung cancer eh! Many people don't seem to know. And many famous stars from America make great cigarette ads here. I guess people like Charlie Sheen agree with me, that Japan is a great country and that everyone should smoke.

I don't smoke, and I never had asthma in Canada, I developed it here in Japan. Silly Canadians and their non-smoking cities. How could I ever develop a challenging disease like asthma in a largely smoke free city like Vancouver! And how do they expect to attract any new smokers if they don't let the big tobacco giants advertise! How ludicrous! No I'm glad I moved here!

I think those Canadians are too health conscious! No smoking in public, come on! What will they do next, make Canadian store clerks polite? Make them get off the phones with their friends and actually serve the customers?

It's neat going to the hospital here. The one I go to specializes in asthma treatment! The doctor is very famous and he smokes in front of his patients--yes that's right, right in the hospital lobby.

Oh it's great, I don't even have to move, I get smoke blown in my face by my own doctor! I don't even pay extra! It's a free service.

And thank God he never runs out of cigarettes, there are two cigarette vending machines right in the hospital!!!! You have to like that!

I confess, I was so distraught that all the airlines here have wimped out and banned smoking on all international flights. Something to do with foreign pressure.

Oh well, I can still smell the stench in the elevators, taxi cabs,and on my friend's clothes too. It's great that the Japanese government feels like I do. They think,

"The people need their cigarettes!" So they own the whole company.They are kind of like a Bill Gates of Tobacco. They stare down from the Diet Building and are happy in knowing that Japan Tobacco is making cigarettes for the Japanese masses.

There is no discrimination here about smoking. They are available to everyone! Even children can buy them, as there are vending machines all over the country. No one can supervise it so anyone with the Yen to smoke can do so! Konnichiwa Tobacco!I see students smoking everywhere. The people hack on the trains, and it isn't just from colds you know; Japan Tobacco can be thanked for that. Plus JT is reducing the population here. Japan is pretty overpopulated anyway--one study said that over 100,000 Japanese died from tobacco related illnesses in 1995 alone! Wow! It's strange as that seems to go against the whole plan. Japanese always worry about the declining population but don't seem to do much to curb smoking. I am forever grateful that the Japanese aren't that health conscious!

They even smoke while holding their babies! Yes, life is good here!

Oh smell my sweater...I think that aroma is Lucky Strike!

This article was originally published in The Vancouver Sun, on Wednesday, January 17th, 2001

"Do you mind if I smoke? No. Do you mind if I fart?"--Steve Martin

See our photo gallery of Japan

For more on entertainment in Japan follow this link.

For more comedy like this about life in Japan visit Engrish.com

Arnold of Kalifornia calls Aeon English School

Arnold of Kalifornia calls Aeon hoping for a teaching job.

For more humor visit Japan Living (also our site!)

From Humor about Japan to the Japan Living Section

From Humor about Japan to How to Teach English in Japan (home)