You`ve Been in Japan Too Long! When.....More humour about life in Japan! by Kevin Burns First thing Saturday morning, you head to Shibuya to check the prices of orange hair dye. If you are over 65 then the blue hair dye is your dye of choice. Corn or cuttle fish on pizza don't phase you! You strongly believe that The Southern All-Stars really are one of the greatest bands of all time. It doesn't bother you too much when total strangers open your front door if you don't answer it right away. Having all the local mail in English come to your house no longer makes you angry. You keep what you can use,and pass along what you don't want to the neighbours. Shogi what a great family game! You have index cards you hand out when you go back home to answer all of the inane questions you must deal with in alphabetical order: the food question, the where do you live question, the do you use chopsticks question. You have the questions above and the following below ready for your Japanese friends: the can you eat natto question, the: which do you like bettah, cherry brossoms or "prum brossoms" question. It doesn't bother you to take a piss at a urinal where everyone can see you.....You sometimes wave. You think having someone wearing white gloves shove you into a crowded train is a wonderful way to start your day off right. You cannot count the number of times you have performed, "My Way," to appreciative (if drunken) applause at various karaoke bars all over the Japanese archipelago. Cold fish eyes staring up at you, raw egg on rice and miso soup, ah breakfast in Japan! Too bad you drank so much last night! "Excuse me, I think I'm gonna be blah x%$xbv%&$#"#!~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!" You love the Yakimo song (and who doesn`t?) and think it should be in the top ten. People making loud slurping noises at the local ramen shop don't bother you anymore. In fact, as your divorce has just come through, you scout the local ramen shops for potential girlfriends. You forget simple English words like, "counter," or "broom," and your friends have been here too long as well, as they don't suggest getting an MRI. You give a salaryman's best back suck when someone asks you a difficult question, and say "Oh my Gott!" at parties trying to fit in with your Japanese pals. You find it difficult to say "no," instead saying something like: "It is difficult." To questions like: "Would you like pizza tonight?" You no longer get belted by the taxi door when it opens automatically. To get off a crowded train you think it is normal behaviour to push 5 total strangers out of your way if they don't move. You have mastered the "flying V" a technique for warding off obatarian as you drive or dive for the final seat on the Yamanote line. You bow on the phone. You think a night out in Roppongi is an interesting cultural exchange experience. You speak Japanese to the neighbourhood pets. You no longer find pornography at the local coffee shop objectionable. You no longer find the "American kohee" objectionable. You still think natto tastes like dog vom, but you can now discuss it like a rational human being even pointing out some of its' health benefits: "Look it`s healthy and you can use it to seal drains!" It`s good for caulking the bathroom, you point out. When you retire, you dream of directing traffic in front of one of the local supermarkets, or patrolling the neighbourhood in one of those snazzy jackets with a cartoon character on them. Women from Iowa and Kansas and even Saskatchewan, seem exotic."Mmmmh a Moose Jaw girl......." When you have time off you go to Guam. "I went to Saipan last year," you tell your friends. Some of the friends you first met when you first arrived in Japan, are now back. Forgetting your own situation for a moment,you quietly think to yourself, "Boy he can't get enough of this place now can he?" You really do enjoy "beautiful communication life," and are damn proud of it too! Some Other Thoughts on Life in Japan "You know you aren't eating well, when you have the Pizza-La number memorized!" "Bruce what the hell are those? They're comin' out of the walls!--Westerners confront the dreaded Japanese Cockroach. There is a reason why monster movies like Godzilla were made here.
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